Perfect
by Moonlight Enchantments
Summary: Ray knows that his cousin is perfect for Neela, in the ways he'll never be. But Neela knows that there's only one person perfect for her, and it certainly isn't Kevin. Updates planned for EVERYDAY!
1. Chapter 1, Ray

**A/N Hey there! Guess what? I'm back! Yup, and guess what? I actually started this about a month ago, but I haven't posted it until it's finished which it now is! Expect nine chapters! It came to me about two months ago when I was listening to the Undertone's song "My Perfect Cousin", and it's loosely based on that. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my third (not counting sequels) full-length fic!**

**This is set after season 12, everything in season 12 happened the same. I don't know any season 13 spoilers, so any that do come up are pure coincidence. I don't want to know any either, btw! Everything I put is just a mix of wishful thinking and things I think may happen (with Jerry it's the latter). Again, I hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, I am poor and have no material possessions but the ideas in my head, and they are mine, so paws off!**

Chapter One- Ray

"_Now I've got a cousin called Kevin,_

_He's sure to go to heaven,_

_Always spotless, clean and neat,_

_As smooth as you can get 'em"_

- "My Perfect Cousin" the Undertones

"Hi there, I'm Dr Ray Barnett, pleased to meet you," I said to my reflection. Funnily enough, it didn't reply. I looked down at the blue shirt I was wearing, I looked like such an idiot. What was I doing? This wasn't me. All I wanted to do was put on a nice comfy t-shirt, but Abby had warned me to make a good impression.

"That is, if you really want this job."

I had nodded, but I wasn't sure. To be honest I wasn't going to this interview because I wanted to leave County, I was going because I couldn't bare seeing Neela any more. Melodramatic perhaps, but the truth nonetheless. I loved her, she didn't love me, she was grieving for her soldier husband. It was a sad situation to be in, and I wanted out. I'd started looking for a new job the day of the shoot-out at the ER. We'd lost Jerry, Abby had almost lost the baby and decided to go on maternity leave earlier, I figured that if everything was changing anyway, I may as well go too.

Of course four months had passed before I'd got an interview and I'd just begun settling back in. That was the way life worked, I suppose. But Neela was back now, and seeing her around just made me realise how much I needed to leave. How much I needed this job.

"Hello Mr Barnett, please take a seat."

"Thank you," I said, trying not to sound nervous. But really, what else was I meant to feel when faced with three stony faced men and two women, all wearing the exact same grey suit?

"Now, first of all, we'd like to say that you've come very highly recommended, from... a Dr Weaver, at County hospital. She says you're a very hard working member of her team, and she would be sorry to see you go."

I frowned, Kerry Weaver had said that? "Well, we're like one big family at County."

"I see. Anyway, we would be wanting you to start in a little over four weeks, would that be a problem for you?"

"No," I replied, "The sooner the better."

When I entered my apartment that night the phone was ringing, I picked it up jovially. My interview had gone pretty well, I thought anyway. "Hello?"

"Hey Ray, it's Abby."

"Oh hi, how are you?" Abby and I had kept in contact even after she'd left, she'd always been more Neela's friend than mine but she was a great listener and advice-giver. I'd tried to return the favours by spending a lot of my free time at hers, cleaning and making her food when Luka wasn't around.

"I'm fine, how did it go?"

"It went really well," I said with a smile, "They seemed to like me."

"Good, you wore a shirt?"

I laughed, "Yeah, but no tie, didn't want to go too crazy."

"I'm happy for you Ray, if this is what you really want." I rolled my eyes, one thing about Abby is that she would never believe me when I said I'd got over Neela. She was right to, as I hadn't, but I wished my feelings weren't so easy to read.

"Yes Lockhart, this is what I want. Now you're not at County any more there's no-one to tease. What's the point?"

"There's always Neela. You used to tease her more than me."

"It's changed Abby. County and Neela. Even I've changed. I don't belong there any more."

"I understand. Look, I better go, stomach calls."

I sat on my couch, after hanging up, and sighed. I would miss County and the friends I'd found there. I would miss Neela most of all. But one way or another, I was leaving, and nothing would stop me.

The next day went pretty badly, I had arrived late for my shift so had to endure one of Kerry's lectures, then everyone was on egg shells because the new desk clerk was starting and everyone felt generally weird, and to top it all off I rounded the corner to see Neela talking to some guy at reception, with a smile on her face.

I went over and grabbed a patient chart, not looking at her. I knew I needed to leave if the sight of her _talking _to someone else could do this to me. I was fuming inside, my blood felt like it was boiling. All I wanted to do was hit the guy.

"Smarmy get," I muttered to myself, kicking myself when Neela turned and I realised I'd said it aloud. I could only hope she hadn't heard.

"Oh, Ray! What are you muttering about?"

Damn her and her beautiful smile. "Nothing, nothing."

"I was just about to come looking for you, look who's here!" She grinned and looked towards the man she was standing with. He had dark hair, was about my height and did look vaguely familiar. I couldn't place him though.

He laughed, "He probably doesn't recognise me, we haven't seen each other since high school. Ray, it's Kevin."

Kevin? I thought to myself, I don't know any Kevin's, except... "My cousin Kevin?"

He winked, "The one and only! How are you man?" He pulled me into a hug and I faked a smile.

"Kevin, long time no see," I said with a chuckle.

"Yeah, I never thought you'd get through med-school."

I laughed, my fake-laugh would need working on, "Nope, no-one did. How's your company going?"

"Booming, I have to say, I just bought a new Jag, I'll take you for a spin after you finish." He leaned towards me, whispering, "Though maybe I should have become a doctor if that's the kind of nurses you have," he said, motioning with his head towards Neela.

"She's a doctor, actually," I said, almost growling. I wanted to add, and keep your hands off her, but I had no right to say anything of the sort.

I suppose I should explain about Kevin. Kevin would be my perfect cousin, the one who always did everything right, the pride and joy of the family. He got good grades, never got in trouble, never got into punk like myself, basically he was the one my mom would always start a lecture with; "Kevin's got a job over the summer and pays his mother some rent, when are you going to start helping out around here?" "Kevin's just graduated as valedictorian, why can't you try harder?" "Kevin's starting his own business after college, what are your plans? Why haven't you planned for the future?"

So it would be expected that once I had moved out of home I would avoid him as much as possible. But now he had tracked me down, to gloat probably, and was hitting on the one woman I'd loved. Wasn't my life just peachy?

"Well, I'll let you two have your reunion," Neela said, giving me a quick smile before heading off.

I turned to Kevin, "What do you want then?"

"I just thought we should catch up. Do you mind if I stay at your place for a week or two? I needed a vacation, the stress of a business you know. So I thought, the Bahamas are over-rated, let's take a city break and see my cousin Ray. Your mom was over at my house last weekend and she said you were getting on really great."

"My mom was at your house?"

"Yeah, the whole family comes round every two weeks or so and has a catch up. Except you, you dark horse."

Yet another family event it seemed I was left out of. All the old feelings of jealousy that I'd had as a kid were awakening in me. It wasn't good to be jealous, but it's one of those emotions you just can't help. I'd wanted to hit him before I knew who he was, but now I wanted to get loose with a scalpel.

I think the thing that hurt the most was knowing that he would be the kind of guy Neela would go for. He had a steady job, was CEO of his own company. He was rich, he was good looking, he was a family man. I would place bets that he was suave, debonair, and could easily lay on the charm in ways that guys were supposed to. He wasn't like me, a joker, he was serious -like Neela.

Yeah, he was Neela's perfect guy and my perfect cousin.

**A/N Please tell me what you think, and if it's good, I'll update tomorrow, if not I'll just leave it!**


	2. Chapter 2, Neela

**A/N Chapter two, as requested! Hope you like... **

**p.s Jonny Was is Shane West's band, for all those "not in the know" and GPK is my favourite song! **

Chapter Two- Neela

"_No one said this would be easy,_

_Take a breath and make it big"_

_-_"GPK" Jonny Was

I sank into the couch, relishing a chance to finally rest my feet. It had been a long shift at the ER, and I wasn't quite used to be back yet. I'd decided to stay in the ER, rather than taking the surgery rotation, because I didn't want to start something new -I wanted familiar faces around me. But it seemed that everything had changed while I was gone. Jerry was obviously one of the most revealing gaps, but then Abby wasn't there, and Luka was hardly there either. Morris had gone to his drug company. Ray was never on my shifts, I noted. So it seemed it was only Pratt, Frank and I left. Everyone had moved on, apart from me.

I didn't know what I'd expected really, I'd been away for so long. And at County, a lot of changes happen over a very short time.

One interesting thing was the arrival of Ray's cousin. He had never talked about family while we lived together, so I'd pretty much assumed he didn't really have any. But Kevin seemed really nice, I couldn't see why Ray would have avoided him since high school.

Ray... all my thoughts led back to one name. I was a widow, but it wasn't my husband who haunted my thoughts. I'd watched Michael's tape again. He wanted me to continue living. He'd given me his blessing. I could see that now, months later. It wasn't my fault things hadn't worked between us, it wasn't my fault he had died. It wasn't his fault either. It had happened, and as Pratt said, I had to let it make me stronger. I still thought of Michael, often at the most silliest times, and when I thought of Ray I felt guilty. But... I had to carry on living, it was what he'd wanted.

When I'd told Abby this she'd grinned at me; "Finally, you're going to tell Ray then."

"Um... no."

I wasn't _that _ready. Not yet. Ray and I were dangerous territory. We were friends, I didn't want to ruin that, although sometimes I felt like I already had. I hoped he would one day be able to forgive me for hurting him, but I wanted to take it slow. I didn't want to rush things, I didn't want to make any mistakes.

The next day I found myself at reception, talking to Kevin again. He really was a nice guy. Sweet, charming, and yes handsome too. I guess it runs in the family.

"Yeah, it's a pretty boring company really, but I'm the founder so I get to reap all the benefits," he said, with a smile.

I laughed, "I take it you mean the money?"

"Well, that would be a part of it. But also, I get to take vacations whenever I want, like now."

"Yeah, that's so lucky. I hardly ever get to go on holiday, I mean vacation. And when I do, I usually go back to England to see my family."

He raised an eyebrow, "You know, most British people say they go back home, rather than back to England."

"You notice very small things don't you."

"I like listening to people," he said with a shrug.

"Well yes, I do think of Chicago as my home now. Sadly enough, its County that's my real home. When... when my husband, Michael, was killed, I remember thinking that all I had left was this place. I'd just moved out of my apartment with Ray, so I had no home either."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"It's alright. It's not like it's your fault. He was killed fighting in Iraq," I clarified.

"I always wished I was brave enough to go over there."

"Michael and I had... different opinions about the war."

He nodded, "I see."

"You two look cozy." I looked up and saw Ray looking at us, wearing his coat.

"We were just talking about how I only have this place to look to as a home," I said with a smile. His gaze locked with mine, and I knew that he was thinking of that day on the roof -just as I was.

"And now County's changing," he said simply.

I frowned at him, why did he have to say that, why did he have to be so... unfeeling. I know I'd hurt him but... well, I guess I'd just answered my own questions, I'd hurt him, so he was hurting me. "Yeah, just me and you staying the same, right?"

He looked down, then looked back into my eyes, "For now."

Before I got a chance to ask him what he meant, Kevin stepped in, "So, you ready to go, Ray?"

It took a while for him to break contact, "Yeah..." he said, looking away from me, "Yeah, I'm ready to go."

I couldn't understand what he'd said, and it bugged me all day. So, when I went to visit Abby after work, I decided I would ask her about it.

"Did you hear Ray's cousin is in town?"

She nodded, "Yeah, he mentioned it when he was round here yesterday."

"Oh, did he say what he thought of him?"

Abby squirmed, uncomfortably, she never liked talking about Ray with me, unless it was my own feelings we were talking about. I guess it felt a little bit like betraying him, or something. "He doesn't like him too much. Apparently he was always the golden child."

"Yeah, I can see why Ray wouldn't like that. He said something really weird today," I said, slipping it in, in what I thought was a coy way.

"Ah, now we see the real reason you came round today," Abby said with a smile.

"What? I said I was coming round here yesterday!"

"Well, why you brought up Ray then." She shook her head, "What did he say then, tell all. I might as well get both sides of the story."

"Why has he said something?"

"No, but he probably will. Just spill."

"I was talking about how County feels like my only home, and he said how it must be weird that every things changing. He said it in a really mean way, to be honest with you, but I ignored that and said that just me and him were staying the same. And he replied, for now. What does he even mean by that? I mean it's so weird and I wanted to..." I trailed off as I saw Abby looking away from me. "What? Do you know something?"

"Um, no. Look, Neela, it really isn't my place to say. If he wants to tell you, he'll tell you."

"Abby, you're getting me paranoid now."

She shook her head, "No, I'm not telling you. He can tell you himself. I've had enough of making all the moves for you both, if this is going to work you both need to do something about it."

"If what is going to work?"

"You and Ray!"

"There isn't anything there to work."

"Ah," she said with a knowing smile, "But you want there to be."

I sighed, "It's not going to happen Abby. I give up."

"You give up? Before you've done anything about it? Yeah, it's definitely not going to work then."

"Look, it was quite clear to me today that he was really angry with me. He's not going to forgive me, that much is obvious."

"To you and you alone. Yes, he is pissed, but wouldn't you be? But he will forgive you Neela, but you might have to actually apologise or something first. He's not going to forgive you when you haven't done anything to make amends."

"I..." I trailed off. She was right, as always. If I wanted this to get fixed, I was going to have to do the running. He'd done the running, put himself on the line and I'd turned him away. Now it was my turn to take a risk. But I wasn't sure I was brave enough.

I guess I just wasn't sure about anything.

**A/N An anecdote from me own life, we end on. Anyway, hope you like this second chapter!**


	3. Chapter 3, Ray

**A/N Thank you all for your lovely reviews! I'm so glad you are liking this story...**

**(the song bit in this is about Ray and Kevin btw, and their being unable to agree on anything!)**

Chapter Three -Ray

"_You say yes, I say no_

_You say stop and I say go go go"_

"Hello, Goodbye" The Beatles

"Hey Kevin, would you like some cereal? I just bought some Lucky Charms yesterday, so help yourself." Yeah, I must be the best cousin in the world. Can you believe me, offering my lucky Charms? Only two people had had that honour previously, Neela and Brett. Both my best friends. Both had left.

I'm thinking too much. I turn back to my bowl. Ah, pure happiness.

"Oh... no thanks. I'm more of a muslie man."

How might I have guessed? "Sorry, all out of muslie since Neela left. Um... toast?"

He sat at the table, with a newspaper he'd just bought. "Yeah, that'd be great thanks. Just marmalade, please."

I raised my eyebrows. I was meant to make the toast _for _him? I took another spoonful of Lucky Charms and mumbled through them, "The toaster is over there, Kevin."

I couldn't help but grin as he glared at me and got up. Childish, who, me?

"You know, Ray," he said, putting bread in the toaster. "You should really come and stay at my place some time." Then he added, under his breath, "See how polite people treat guests."

I smiled, got up and put my bowl in the sink, "You know Kev', I might just do that."

I walked out of the room, trying not to laugh as I thought of the look he'd given me when I called him Kev'.

I had taken the day off, much to the annoyance of Dr Weaver, to show my lovely cousin round the delights of Chicago. Some might say it was a good chance to annoy him, but of course I would never do that.

"So Kevin, what would you like to do today? Bar crawl?"

He gave me a look of disgust. "No, I thought we could perhaps do a bit of shopping, so I can pick up some gifts for the family, back home."

Suck up, I thought. "Oh, you mean, my mom. I mean, you're not married or anything, are you?"

Again he gave me a sour look. "No, I'm not married." He paused, then added with a sweet smile I knew all to well from growing up. "Though, I'm thinking of asking Neela out, so who knows."

I felt my jaw stiffen. "Neela? As in..." I was about to say my Neela, but she wasn't my Neela. "As in Neela from my work?"

"The one and only."

Bastard, I thought. "Oh right. Well... she's just lost her husband, you know."

"I thought that was about five months ago."

Five months? That meant Neela had moved out almost six months ago. It felt like yesterday. "Um, yeah, but she took it really hard."

"I'm sure she did. Were you there to help her through it then?" Kevin asked, snidely.

I was very proud of myself in that moment, I'm not often proud of myself, but right then I was. What I _wanted _to do was hit him as hard as I could, and not stop until he couldn't get up. But, being the gentleman that I am, what I _actually _did was simply say, "I tried." Then I walked away.

I kept walking away that whole day. Walking past shops that I'd heard him say he wanted to visit. Ducking round people, in the way only city people now how to do, while leaving poor old Kevin trailing miserably behind me. Sure, in a race he probably could have beat the shit out of me, but cruising through Chicago's streets? That was my kind of sport. There was only one time I stopped.

Stopped dead.

Yeah, this caused me to almost get mown down by a few people in suits, who simply had to get to their offices the quickest way possible -and if that meant going through someone, so be it. Kevin caught up to me, and looked to where I was looking. Then he turned to me with a smile.

"Why, it's Neela. What a pleasant surprise."

I swallowed hard. Just my luck, the one day I'm out shopping, who else is shopping? Oh the bitter-sweet irony.

"Neela! Hey, over here!" Perhaps if I'd been on my own I might have been able to avoid her, but I was with him, and he wouldn't let me do that.

She turned towards us and smiled. I felt my knees almost buckling. What was it about her smile?

"Hi Neela, we're just out so Kevin can get some gifts for people back home," I said, hoping my voice wasn't really as squeaking as it appeared to me.

"How sweet," she said, "That's really nice of you. I always forget to bring people back presents."

"Really? I would have figured you for someone organised with things like that," he said, smiling.

"Normally I am, but there's something about present buying that just freaks me out. I never know what to buy for people."

Have you ever felt completely invisible? That's exactly how I felt right then, I might as well not have been there, considering the amount of attention I was being given. Kevin I could understand, but Neela was _my _friend. Well... she had been. I know I must sound like a little kid but... a lot of the time I felt just like a little kid. Way out of my depth. Having Kevin back wasn't exactly helping the feeling.

"You always bought me great presents," I blurted out. Neela turned to me, and I saw the look of hurt in her eyes. I didn't know what I'd said wrong, then I realised that I'd mentioned the past. I guess she was trying to forget about it, like I was. I wondered if she was having any more luck than me.

"Thanks." There was an awkward pause, then she turned to Kevin again, "So, who are you getting presents for? A girlfriend or something?"

She'd asked him the question. _The _question. The innocent inquiry of a partner back home, it was a clear sign that a woman was interested. How many of my one night stands had started in that question? Well it had been a long time since I'd really been into all that, but it was a lot, I can tell you.

"No, I'm single at the moment," Kevin said with a small chuckle.

_At the moment?_ I thought to myself, _He's probably never had a girlfriend. _That made me feel better. Until another part of my brain said, _But when have you? _Apart from Zoe, who is better left unmentioned, and Chelsea Walker in high school, it must be admitted that my love life comprised singularly of one night stands. And Neela. Who was neither. That wasn't exactly the best repertoire to have...

"Oh right, that makes three of us, right Ray?" Neela said, with a smile.

Way to make a guy feel like crap. "Yeah, that's right. Well, we should be off, Kevin. Plenty more shops to look around."

"I'll see you around, Neela," he said, as we turned to leave.

"Yeah, I'm sure you will."

Not if I can help it, I thought. If I could help it, this would be the last time these two ever set eyes on each other. Neela might never be mine, but she wasn't going to be Kevin's either. I couldn't stand it. As kids he'd always been better than me, and if he got Neela... that would just be the last straw. And I really don't want to go to prison.

I want Neela to be happy, but not with him.

"So," Kevin began, as we entered the apartment again. Somehow I'd got loaded with most of his bags, so I dumped them in his room before following him into the lounge. I have to admit that I closed my eyes when I went in there, I don't like seeing it any more. Childish I know, but I can't help it. I like to keep my memories of when it was Neela's intact. "What's the deal with you and Neela?" he continued.

"The deal?"

"Yeah, you were room-mates, right?"

"Yes, room-mates. It was a convenient thing for both of us."

"That all?"

I paused. No, it wasn't all. But I didn't want to go into that with anyone, especially not Kevin. "Yeah, pretty much."

"Good, I thought you might be into her or something, but if you're not, I'll ask her out."

"What?"

"I said," he repeated, slowly, like I was an idiot, "I will ask her out."

I guess I _was_ an idiot, a prize fool.


	4. Chapter 4, Neela

**A/N Love you all! You rock my socks! hehe**

Chapter Four -Neela

"_Forget about that guy, _

_Forget about the way you fell into his eyes,_

_Forget about his charms,_

_Forget about the way he held you in his arms"_

_-_"Forget About Love" Aladdin 2 Soundtrack

Can you believe I can't watch poker any more? What a stupid thing, I know, but I just can't. It brings back to many sweet memories. And sweet memories will make a girl do stupid things, like try to ravish her former room-mate in the drug lock up. Not that I've thought about any such things, of course.

I'm slowly coming round to the fact that Ray and I are barely friends now. It's taken a while, but I had some slightly more pressing issues sometime in the middle, like my husband's death, my colleague's death, you know -little things like that. I don't want to admit it, but when I left the apartment everything got wrecked. No, I'm lying, it wasn't when I left. It was when I stopped returning his calls and started avoiding him. Leaving the apartment might have been the right thing to do, but the rest wasn't. The rest was because I found I couldn't trust myself when I was just talking to him, even at work. But that didn't make it right. I shouldn't have treated him badly, I shouldn't have made it seem like it was easy for me to let him go.

It's weird that however unfriendly we can act towards each other, we still have those moments. I don't know, maybe it's the fact that I'm still attracted to him, rather than some deeper connection, but when I look into his eyes it's just like... wow. Ray is so different from Michael, but the feelings I had for both of them at the beginning, those feelings where you're just amazed at that person, they're exactly the same. Except, with Ray and I, they progressed. We weren't together, we weren't "seeing each other" but they still managed to progress to... alright I'll face it, they progressed from lust, to love. With Michael I loved him, but there was no progression. It seemed like a straight jump, from those early days to suddenly we were in love and getting married. There was no progression because he wasn't around. I think you need the progression, for it to work. Otherwise the love isn't really built on anything. With Ray and I it was built on friendship, now that doesn't seem to be there any more. I don't know what that means.

Maybe I'm over thinking, Abby says I do. She says I should act on feelings, not think about them. Abby should be a psychiatrist, she's very good at all that stuff.

My alarm went off, not that I needed it. I'd been awake for about half an hour, pondering. But this was my signal that I needed to get up, if I wanted to be ready for work. So I did, I got up and showered and pottered around making breakfast. I'd lived in Abby's apartment for so long now, it should have felt like home. Abby didn't even live here any more, she and Luka had moved into a bigger apartment together, I'd taken over her lease. But it wasn't my apartment. My apartment was Ray's and mine. That was my home. Do you know what it feels like to have no home? If you do, I feel for you, because I know the confusion and pain of it now. All I want to do is go home, but I can't.

I got to work early, as usual. I was always there early now-a-days. No distractions at Abby's you see. I was a good girl there, didn't stay up late, didn't really drink very much, didn't watch my room-mate while he was cooking my breakfast. At Abby's I was good, serious, I was back to the old Neela.

But I'd had time to realise that I didn't like the old Neela.

When I got into the Doctor's Lounge I saw Ray. He turned from the coffee machine and gave me a look of surprise.

"Neela, I didn't know you were working today."

"Freddy asked if I'd swap with him, he's at a wedding or something today." Freddy was one of the new doctors that had been hired in the aftermath of the shoot-out. He was nice enough, but seemed to think he was better than us all, I hadn't worked out why yet. I always found it hard to say no to people, when they asked me favours.

"Oh." He stood there, looking uncertain and uncomfortable. "Well, would you like a coffee?"

I nodded, "That'd be nice, when are you on till?" I asked, assuming he had been on the night shift.

He gave a small smile, "I've not started yet."

I frowned, "You don't mean to say you're early."

He shrugged, "I had to get out of the apartment."

"You and Kevin don't get on, do you?" I asked, remembering the last time I'd seen them, when they'd been out shopping. I knew from experience that Ray did not like shopping. In yet another incident of not being able to say no, especially to him, I had found myself signing all my gift tags at Christmas with "love Neela and Ray". If that wasn't a way to stop the rumours that we had something going on, I don't know what was. Not.

"You could say that. Though it would be a wicked understatement," he said, handing me my coffee. One of those small things you tend to ignore, but it was a small thing that I noticed. Because when I took a sip it was exactly right. He still remembered how I liked my coffee.

"How come?" I asked, sitting on one of the couches. Oh I was glad I had got in early now, a whole fifteen minutes with Ray, all to myself.

"You know those annoying kids at school, who always get everything right? That would be Kevin. All I ever heard when I was younger was "why can't you be more like Kevin?" I mean, he started a business after college, I started a punk band. Not quite on the same lines, at least not with my Mom."

"No, it probably wouldn't be with mine either. But you've got a medical degree."

"Kevin is the founder of a very big, very rich company. Again, my little medical degree pales in comparison." He gave me a small smile. "We're just... different people. And I hate people comparing us, which they always do."

I wanted to say _I think a medical degree and a punk band is so much better than starting your own company_ but I didn't. I would have, but right at that moment Chuni ran in and told us there was a twelve year old and an eighteen year old coming in, the result of a car versus bike accident. There just wasn't any time to tell him how I felt. As I walked to the ambulance bay I realised that that was true.

I would have told him how I felt.

I made a pact then that the next time I saw Ray I would talk to him, really talk to him. Or I would at least arrange a time where we could talk. Here was I, trying to come to terms with the fact I'd lost a friend, when all along he'd been there, our friendship had been there -it just needed some working on. But of course life, or mine anyway, never seems to let you follow the path you've chosen. Something always gets in the way.

When I had finished my shift I passed Kevin in the ambulance bay. I must admit I was in a good mood, it had been such a great shift, because Ray and I had been normal, almost. We had almost acted like our old selves, and almost was better than nothing. So, happy as I was, I gave him a smile.

"Hey Neela, how are you?"

"Oh, I'm good thanks," I said, pausing to talk to him. I'm polite like that when I'm in a good mood. "How are you enjoying Chicago?"

"Chicago's great, but I haven't had a chance to see much of it. Ray's always at this hospital, and I don't know my way about well enough that I can just... you know. Anyway, I seem to have spent most of my time in his apartment."

"Well, that's the torments of being a doctor."

"Yeah, I guess. Actually, I was wondering if you might like to do something with me?"

"Me?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes, you," he said, with a chuckle, "I thought we could perhaps go for a meal."

"I don't know Kevin, I'm not sure..."

"Come on Neela," he interrupted, "I'm only staying another week, one night out of your busy schedule can't be too much to ask, can it?"

"It's not that, it's just..." How on earth was I meant to explain why I didn't want to go out on a date with him?

"Look, I've not had a chance to see much, and I just thought you could show me around. I'm sick of that apartment."

"I..."

He smiled, "How about Friday? I'll pick you up at eight."

"I..."

"It's a date," he said, before turning towards the hospital. He gave me a small wave then headed inside. I was left outside, wondering what the hell to do.

"Abby," I wailed down the phone, an hour later. I was finally home, but still none-the-wiser about what I should do. "Please help me."

"What? What's wrong?"

"Kevin asked me out, and I didn't say yes but he assumed that I meant yes and now he's picking me up on Friday!" I blurted out. "And Ray and I had a really nice day, and I was going to tell him how I feel but then a trauma came in, so I said to myself that I would tell him later, and then I met Kevin and now I just don't know what to do!"

There was a pause as she tried to digest all of this information. "Ok. Neela, breathe. Everything will be fine. Why don't you come round here?"

"I don't want to intrude."

"Look, I don't think it's going to make much difference to Luka whether I'm talking to you on the phone or in person."

"Tell him I'm sorry."

"Tell him yourself and get your ass round here."

When Luka opened the door to me I proffered my large pizza box in front of me, while saying, "I'm so sorry Luka, I know I always come around uninvited."

He smiled, "If it was anyone else, or you didn't have pizza I wouldn't let you in. But you know how to get to a guy's heart. Come on in."

I went in and sat next to Abby on the couch, she gave me a reassuring smile. Luka came in and sat on the chair, handing me a plate with pizza on it.

"Want my advice?" he asked, then before we could reply, said "Eat, forget about it all. Just for one night, enjoy. Stop over thinking."

I frowned, "You're becoming too much like Abby."

He laughed his deep laugh, "Doesn't mean I'm wrong though, does it?"

"No, but..."

"Nope, listen to Luka. Sit back, and relax in the company of your friends, and t.v."

I grinned at Abby, then at Luka. They were right, they were strange, but they were right.


	5. Chapter 5, Ray

**A/N You know how much I love you's! Hope you enjoy this chapter... tis pretty short but this whole story seems to be quite short. Not the best chapter by any means but I hope you like.**

Chapter Five- Ray

"_Everyday there's a boy in the mirror_

_Asking me "what are you doing here?"_

_Finding all my previous motives_

_Growing increasingly unclear"_

_-_"Homesick" Kings of Convenience

One day your life's on track, the next it isn't. One thing, one person, can change your whole perspective. I had been going on my merry way through life when I met Neela. She'd changed my perspective, made me more responsible. Then she's gone. And I was left being all responsible. And what was she doing? She was dating my cousin. Oh yes, that was responsible.

When Kevin had told me I had almost hit him. I've never come so close. I wanted to do to him what I did to Zoe's dad. But Zoe's dad was a bastard, he abused his children. What did Kevin ever do? Be a pain in the ass, sure, but he wasn't a _bad_ person. He didn't deserve to be hit. I couldn't help hating him, but I was glad I hadn't hit him. My restraint was being tested tonight though.

It was Friday. Kevin was getting ready for a date. With the woman I loved. My cousin, and the woman I loved. The woman that haunted my dreams was going on a date with my cousin. The woman I'd never gone on a date with was going on a date with my cousin. Neela was going on a date with Kevin. Kevin was going on a date with Neela.

Yes, I think you've got the point.

I sat, angrily flicking through the channels as he hummed in the bathroom, shaving, putting on aftershave, sorting out the collar on his sharp suit. He was perfect for Neela. I only wore a shirt if I really had to, to make a good impression usually, Kevin actually liked wearing shirts. I could just imagine her getting ready, wearing some dress that would make her devastatingly beautiful. I didn't know whether I wanted Kevin to notice that or not. If he noticed then he'd think she was beautiful and... well who knows where that may lead. But if he didn't, he'd have to be stupid and... I wanted him to treat her right. I wanted to be on the phone, telling him all the right things to say.

I wanted her to be happy.

Everything was changing, I needed to catch up. I needed that job. When I had gotten home today, after work, there was a message on my machine saying that they would call me later. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I assumed that if I hadn't got the job they would have just told me in the message.

"So, how do I look?" Kevin asked, standing in front of me, blocking my view of the t.v.

"Fine. Are you going now?" I asked, not looking at him, trying to look through him.

"Yeah. Look, are you sure you're alright? You said nothing was going on with you and Neela, right?"

"Nothing is," I said, surlily.

"Right." He paused, "Well... I'll be off then."

"You do that. Have fun," I said, I hoped it was clear that I meant the exact opposite.

An hour later I was sitting on my couch, trying not to imagine what they were doing. Would he pull her chair out for her in the restaurant? Would they hold hands across the table? Would they forget to look at the menu because they were too busy talking? All these things I got from t.v, I don't think I'd ever gone to a restaurant for a date.

How can I claim to love someone I've never even dated? It doesn't make sense. It's true though.

Why do the important things never make sense?

Love is just confusion, dressed up as something else.

With Neela in my life, I can't concentrate on anything else I can't think about anything else, that's why I need this job, that's why I need to get away.

The phone began ringing, breaking me out of my stupor. I got up and picked up the phone, still flicking the channels on the t.v.

"Hello, Ray Barnett speaking."

"Hi Dr Barnett, this is Ms White, I'm phoning about your recent interview with us, is this a good time?"

"Yes, of course, sorry, I was out at work when you called before."

"We assumed as much. Look, I shall say straight off, we would like to offer you the vacancy. But, some things have come up and it looks like you would have to start sooner than we had planned."

"Oh, thank you, um, how much sooner?"

"Two weeks."

Two weeks? I could be moving to a different city in two weeks. Could I do that? My mind flicked to thoughts of Kevin and Neela on their date. Yes, I could do that.

"Look, we know it's short notice, and normally we wouldn't ask this of our applicants but..."

"That's fine," I said, interrupting her. "I'll take the job."

"You will? Fantastic. Well, we'll be in touch with further arrangements."

"Thank you very much," I said, smiling.

"That's alright Dr Barnett, I look forward to having you as part of our team. Goodbye for now."

"Goodbye." I hung up. I had got the job. I was starting in two weeks. I was leaving Chicago, I was leaving County, I was leaving Neela. She'd left me first, but that was only the apartment, I was leaving the city -for the same reasons as she had left, my feelings and her lack of similar feelings. She had been embarrassed that I liked her, and she didn't like me in the same way. Now I was the embarrassed one. But at least I could leave all that behind now, I was leaving everything behind.

I went to the kitchen and rooted in the drawers for a notepad. I grabbed a pen and sat down at the table. I would write my formal letter of resignation on a computer, but I wanted to add a covering letter, to Dr Weaver.

_Dear Dr Weaver,_

_I just wanted to write this to you to tell you thank you. And I'm sorry._

_I want to thank you for all the times you've shouted at me, you really have made me a better doctor. I'm sure I never would have gotten my new job if I was still the same person I was when I arrived at County. _

_I also want to apologise for the short notice, and for all the times I wore nail polish to work. Oh, I also want to apologise because yes, this resignation is a little late. I know I was meant to resign months ago, when I was meant to be going with my band to California, but the truth is that they kicked me out that day. I'm glad you took me back, even though it wasn't completely out of your own choice._

_Thanks again,_

_Dr Ray Barnett_

I stared down at my note pad, wondering who else I needed to write to. I wasn't good at telling people my feelings face to face, the one time I'd gotten close the person had drove off in a taxi. Hmm, who could I be talking about?

_Dear Lockhart_

_Before I leave I want to tell you that you have been a really good friend to me. I know we always tease each other, but you are also great at giving me advice, especially on... well, you know what on. Thank you, for everything._

_I'll really miss you, I hope everything goes alright with the birth. I know you and Luka will always be happy._

_I hope we can keep in touch, even it is only the odd e-mail._

_Thanks again, Abby_

_Love,_

_Ray Barnett_

_Dear Dr Kovac,_

_Well, I'm sure you'll be glad that I'm leaving. But I wanted you to know, before I go, that you have been a really good teacher. Even when things were going on in your own life, you were always there for us residents. I definitely needed someone back then._

_Thank you again, and I wish you all the luck I can give you. _

_Always count yourself lucky that you're with the woman you love. Don't worry, I'm not saying I love Abby or anything, I just mean... be happy._

_Sorry, I'm rambling now._

_I'm glad we met,_

_Ray Barnett_

There was one more letter I knew I should write. I decided to write it, even though I knew I would never give it to her.

_Dear Neela,_

_Thank you for being my best friend, thank you for being my Roomie, thank you for... everything. _

_I know everything changed between us, but I hope we can remember the good times, when we were friends and Roomies. I'll always remember them, I can't forget. I hope you can remember them too._

_I'm sorry if I ever hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you. You are the most important person to me._

_Sometimes I feel like you're more important to me than myself, that's why I have to leave. That is just... it's wrong, especially when I know you don't feel the same about me. I hope one day we will be able to talk again, like we used to. _

_I will always love you, Neela, you're my first love and you can never forget your first love._

_Yours always,_

_Ray Barnett, your former Roomie_

I got up and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw I was crying. I splashed water on my face and went to my room to start packing. There, it was over now.

**A/N Don't worry, this story isn't over, yet! Four more chapters to go, I do believe! Reviews would be very welcome, as always!**


	6. Chapter 6, Neela

Chapter Six- Neela

"_How can I not even cry?_

_For such a big thing in my life_

_The pain it takes the part of me_

_Turn around and say goodbye"_

_-_"I Want You Back" The Kooks

"So, what would you like?"

I smiled across the table at Kevin. He was certainly very nice, a really great guy. He just wasn't... well he wasn't Ray. He was so similar to Michael, in a lot of ways, except Michael had been a lot shyer than him -that had been sweet. I shook my head, I really shouldn't compare all the men in my life, or those that had once been in my life.

"Um... I'm not sure. What are you having?"

He gave me a small smile, "We could go on all night like this."

"Sorry, I'm not really used to restaurants like this. I've become more accustomed to take-outs."

He tutted, "Are you telling me you never eat out? Or even have a home cooked meal?"

"I can't cook, at all. People make jokes about it all the time. The last time I had a home cooked meal was... when... Ray cooked for me."

"Ray can cook?" He looked disbelieving.

I nodded, "He's a really good cook. He never tells anyone but I think he likes it."

"The only time I've ever seen him cooking was in... fourth grade, and he burned it. We were making brownies with his Mom."

"Were you close as kids?" I asked, I knew Ray's view on the subject, but I wondered what Kevin thought.

"We were kind of made to be. I mean, if we had just been in the same class or something we never would have been friends, but because we were cousins... We never really got on, to be honest, we're so different. But I always admired him, people always used to compare the two of us, making me out to be better simply because of my grades or something, but he never let it get to him."

"Were you never interested in music?"

"I'm tone deaf," he said, shaking his head, "I could never grasp any musical instrument. Ray tried to teach me guitar one time, but it was utterly useless." He paused, looking at me seriously. "Neela... do you wish it was him out tonight with you?"

"What? Of course I don't..."

"Neela, it's pretty obvious how you both feel about each other. I could see it in your eyes tonight when I picked you up... the disapointment. Why haven't either of you done anything about it?"

"I... that's why I moved out, because I couldn't trust myself with him. I was married, and I loved another man. Then when Michael was killed I just... I tried to keep away from Ray, I didn't want to tarnish Michael's memory. And now... we're barely friends any more, he can hardly look at me."

"Do you ever think that might be because he doesn't trust himself with you?"

I shook my head, "Look, Kevin, I just don't know. With Ray and I it's complicated."

"Does it have to be?"

I sighed and picked up my menu, "So, what are you ordering?" I asked, changing the subject abruptly.

"I have one more thing to say, about my cousin, and then we don't have to mention his name the entire night. If you like him, if you _love _him, you have to tell him. Love is too precious to waste on silly disagreements, or mixed messages."

When I let myself into my empty apartment a few hours later, I knew he was right. Why, when everyone was telling me to take the risk, had I not? Everyone I trusted, and everyone I barely knew was telling me to tell him. Maybe I should.

I picked up the phone and dialled the all too familiar number. It wasn't until he picked up that I realised this was not something I could really say over the phone.

"Hello?"

"Oh... hey, Ray, it's Neela."

"Neela? Aren't you out with Kevin?"

"He just dropped me off."

"Oh... what's up?"

"Um..." Think of an excuse, you idiot, "I was just wondering if you wanted to swap shifts with me tomorrow?"

He gave a laugh, "Thinking you might have a hangover or something?"

Yes, on my one glass of wine, "Very funny, no I was just... wondering."

"Um... yeah, sure, I've got... stuff to get done I guess."

"Oh, stuff?"

"Yes. Stuff." He was deliberately avoiding my question, which of course just made me more curious.

"Well, I'll let you get on with your stuff then, I suppose."

"Alright, night Neela. Wait, Neela?"

"Yes?"

There was a pause. "Goodnight."

"Night Ray."

I hung up, and looked at the phone, willing it to ring. If he took the risk then... but why should he be the one to say something again, after the way I treated him last time?

Oh, woe really is me.

A few days later I was saying goodbye to Kevin. He had come to County to say a final farewell to everyone, and he had pulled me aside.

"I haven't heard Ray say anything about confessions of love yet."

"Um... well..."

"Neela, just do it, give everyone a break, please?"

"I..."

"Please, for me?" He flashed me a smile which was similar to Ray's. I would do anything for that smile.

"Alright, I'll tell him."

"Promise?"

I sighed, "Yes, I promise."

"Good," he smiled at me. "Bye Neela, it was really nice meeting you, and I better get invited to the wedding."

I shook my head and he walked off, laughing.

A week after that Pratt came running up to me as I was filling in a chart.

"Hey, Neela, why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" I asked, scowling at my pen which had just run out of ink.

"About Barnett?"

"What about him?"

"You... oh..."

"Pratt, I am very tired, I am just starting a double shift, either you tell me what the hell you're talking about or I'm going to walk away." I hadn't meant to snap, but I was very tired. And Ray was a touchy subject, I still hadn't worked up my courage to tell him any of my feelings. I would but just... not yet.

"Neela," he turned me to face him. "Ray's leaving."

My eyes widened and I put a hand on the gurney next to me. "Sorry, what?"

"He's leaving. He's got another job."

"Wh... what? Where?"

"I don't know, I thought you would... I just... I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault," I said, trying to smile. I don't think I pulled it off very well. "When is he going?"

"He just finished his last shift. He didn't tell anyone, apart from Weaver, until today."

"Well," I said, smiling again, "That's just... great." And I walked away along the corridor.

"Neela, wait, are you ok?"

"Of course I am. I have patients, Pratt."

Was I ok? No, I was not. But would I let anyone else know that? No, of course not. I was Neela Rasgotra, the dependable, the reliable, the sensible. I was not someone to get upset simply because an old room-mate of hers was moving away. Did it matter that he was someone I loved? Not to anyone else.

When my double shift had finally finished I went to the locker room. What better way is there to forget your troubles than pull a few shifts at your local ER? I glanced at Ray's locker, thinking "wow, he's never going to use that again". I saw an envelope on the floor next to it, it must have fallen out of his locker. I took it and pulled out the paper. I'm nosey, what can I say?

I just wanted to see who it was too, but when I saw that I couldn't help but read on.

_Dear Neela,_

_Thank you for being my best friend..._

I slumped against his locker, my eyes burning with tears unshed. Oh god...

"Yours always," I mumbled to myself. "But he's never been mine..."

"Neela?" Sam looked down at me, "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine!" I snapped, going to my locker, grabbing my coat and slamming the door. "I'm perfectly amazing."

I walked out of the ER with a stony look on my face. What the hell was I meant to do now?


	7. Chapter 7, Ray

**A/N Hey, I'm glad you've liked everything so far! I am really glad you liked the letter's Ray wrote, I didn't but I'm glad you lot did!**

Chapter Seven- Ray

"_Baby you're the words and chapters_

_The sweetness in the morning after_

_You are the cry that turns to laughter_

_You're the hope that ends disaster"_

-"Warmer Climate" Snow Patrol

I wanted to tell her. I really did. But every time I tried I just... couldn't. I could barely look at her, to look at her, to talk to her, would be seeing what I would soon be missing. If I spent as little time as possible with her I might be able to forget sooner. That was the plan anyway. But as I packed the last things from my apartment I realised I would never forget Neela. No matter how much I wanted to, or thought I should, I could never forget. Everything seemed to remind me of her. Maybe when I was out of the apartment. I could only hope.

They say that time heals all wounds, but for me it was getting worse. The memories had started off bitter-sweet, now they were just bitter. As much as I wanted to be with her, I knew I never would be. Especially now, I was leaving everything behind, starting afresh... without her.

Kerry had been reasonably nice about it, she'd given me a good reference and said she was sorry to see me leave. And she hadn't told anyone else, as I'd wished.

My plan was to tell Neela, then tell everyone else. I hadn't wanted her to hear it from someone else, but as things turned out, that was exactly what would happen. I had been finishing my last shift, and I just told everyone who was there. She wasn't. I knew word would spread pretty quickly, but I hoped I would be gone before she could find me. I knew she would kill me, she would hate me so much now. I couldn't deal with that just before I left.

It seemed I didn't really have a choice.

I had sent most of my stuff ahead of me, there were only a few boxes now. I didn't even have a bed, just a sheet, a cover and a cushion. Not the most comfortable affair, but I had a six pack of beer to see me through the night. I was planning on drowning my sorrows. That was until I heard the knock on the door.

I wouldn't have answered it, but I couldn't help myself. Not when I heard her voice.

"Ray, please... let me in. We need to talk."

I opened the door and leaned against it, blocking the way in. "Hey Neela... what are you doing here?" I was going for the Mr-Innocent routine, but she saw right through it.

"What the hell do you think I'm doing here?" she asked, her face stony. "Why didn't you at least tell me?"

"Neela I..." I paused. "Do you want to come inside?"

She pushed passed me and went to the lounge. She stood in the middle of the room, her eyes wide. "Every thing's gone," she said quietly.

"Yeah, that happens when you're moving."

The look she flashed me let me know I really wasn't in joking territory. "It's not funny Ray. It's not like you're just moving apartment, you're moving out of Chicago, you're not working at County any more. Did you not think these would be things I'd like to know? I thought we were friends."

"We've hardly talked in the last few months," I said surlily, sitting on the floor. She sat down, cross-legged, facing me. I couldn't help but think how cute she looked. She'd always been beautiful when she was angry. I think it was that last thought that made me want to push her, so I added, "Except when you were dating my cousin of course."

"I was never dating Kevin. We went out once. And that is so not what this is about." She sighed, "I know we haven't been as close... but surely you didn't want me to hear it from Pratt?"

"I... I'm sorry, but I couldn't face telling you."

"Why?"

I held out my hands, "I don't know. Jeez, Neela! Not everyone finds it easy breaking news like this."

"And I do?" she asked, her eyebrows raised.

"No... but you don't make it easy for people to tell you things."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Ray... I'm so sorry. I know I should have... I know what I did was wrong. I shouldn't have reacted like that."

"What are you talking about?"

"When I moved out. I never should have... I'm sorry."

"You moved out because of me, it's me who should be sorry. I knew you were married. I never should have..." I trailed off. We left it unspoken, we both knew what I'd done. I'd dared to feel something for a married woman.

She gave a small, unamused laugh. "You think I moved out because of you?"

"I know that's why you moved out. You told me."

"No, I never said that. I moved out because... well. It was because of you, but not because you did anything wrong."

"I loved you Neela, that was what was wrong."

"I had feelings for _you _Ray. That's why I moved out. Because I was... I was in love with you and I was married to another man."

I almost choked. My eyes were burning. I couldn't keep my mouth from opening, even though I didn't know what to say. "You... loved me?" I finally managed to choke out.

"Yes Ray. I loved you." She looked at me with her serious brown eyes, and I realised that everything I'd assumed I'd imagined, all the looks and everything that hadn't been said... It had all been true. She had loved me.

"Why... why didn't you tell me you were leaving?" she asked.

"I... I didn't want anyone to stop me. I knew you were the only one who would be able to stop me."

"I don't want you to go Ray. Please... don't go."

"I have to. I can't stay here any more, not after... everything. Every thing's changing, and I need to change too."

"I found your letter."

"What letter?" As soon as I asked, I knew which letter. I had taken all my letters into work, including that one. Today, when I was clearing out my locker, I must have dropped it. Idiot. "You... read that?"

She nodded. "I'll never forget either."

I gave a small smile, "But it's in the past now, isn't it."

"I don't want it to be. Please... don't go. Ray... I love you. I've loved you since... I don't know when. I couldn't do anything about it before because of Michael, and then because I was too scared... But now I'm more afraid that you'll leave. Please... don't leave me."

I could have cried. I could have thrown something. Why was life so unfair? Why now, Neela, why now? "Why are you telling me this the night before I leave."

"Because I don't want to lose you."

"Neela. I'm leaving because I can't cope any more. I have never felt like this about anyone, you are in my thoughts constantly, you haunt me. I shouldn't feel like that."

"You still love me though, after everything?"

"Yes, I still love you. That's why I have to leave. I think, I think you should go now too. This is why I didn't want to tell you..."

"Please Ray, let me stay for the night at least. Let's have just... one more night."

Just one more night. Would it be that simple? _Could _it be that simple? Somehow, I doubted it. But this was Neela, and I could never say no to Neela.

"I'm leaving tomorrow, no matter what you say."

"Just... can we forget about it for tonight? Go back to old times. Please, forget about it all."

I nodded, I wished we could do that. Perhaps for one night we could, but in the daylight everything would all come flooding back. I knew that, but for that one night I just wanted to forget. I just wanted to bask in the cold hard facts. I love Neela, Neela loves me. We can have our night together, like old times.

Neela loves me.


	8. Chapter 8, Neela

**A/N Yes, I know two updates in the space of minutes! But that's because I won't be able to update tomorrow (probably) because it's... dun dun dun, RESULTS DAY! Yup, tomorrow I get my GCSE results, which will let me know whether I get into college, whether the work (ahem) of the past two years has been worth it... all those little things! Oh, and this is the PENULTIMATE chapter. By the way.**

Chapter Eight -Neela

"_I know how to ease all your sorrows_

_So come here_

_Rest your head on my pillow_

_It's alright, we don't need a tomorrow tonight"_

-"Tomorrow" Emma Bunton

It's easy to say you can forget, but forgetting is a hard thing to do. I had finally told him how I felt and he was still leaving. I didn't want him to leave. How could I pretend he wasn't leaving when we were sitting in an empty apartment, with only a beer each to amuse ourselves.

"Ray... why are you leaving?"

"I thought we weren't talking about that."

"I... I need to know. Why... if I'm the reason, why are you still leaving? You know how I feel about you. We could... we could try and make it work... between us."

His jaw tightened. "Please don't say that."

"Why?"

"Because I'll want to stay."

I shook my head, "You don't make sense. If you want to stay... what's stopping you?"

"It's like when you left here, did you want to stay?"

"Well... yeah, but I had to leave."

"Exactly, the reasons you had to leave were still there. They're still there for me too. I can't concentrate when I'm around you, Neela, and I can't concentrate when I'm not around you. I need to... I don't know what I need to do, but I can't do it here."

"Ray," I said, sighing, "I feel the same." My eyes were burning, I knew if I wasn't careful I would start crying soon. "This is so stupid."

"Am I stupid? Is that what you're saying?"

"No, what you're doing is stupid. Why are you throwing this away before it's even had a chance."

"Because I can't cope any more!" he snapped, standing up and pacing the room. "I can not cope any more Neela. It has been months since you moved out, and nothing is helping. As far as I knew you hated me."

"But you know I don't, now."

"Yes, now, the night before I leave. I have made my decision Neela... Please, please don't make me regret it. God, I didn't need another reason to regret leaving."

"So don't!"

"Alright, say I don't, what then? We get together, we'll be happy forever? What happens in a few months when you realise what a stupid, irresponsible... what happens when you realise that I'm not what you want? What am I meant to do then?"

"You are what I want. You're what I want for ever. Why would I change my mind? I know what you're like, and yeah you annoy the hell out of me sometimes, and yes you're doing it now, but I love you. I couldn't love anyone else, not now I know you. You are what I want, exactly."

"I bet you thought the same about Michael."

The tears spilled over, as I stood up -enraged. "How dare you." My lip was quivering, I knew, and I couldn't stop myself from crying. "How dare you say that... You know how... guilty... I felt... when..." I could hardly talk between sobs. He came over and pulled me into his arms, and I leaned into him despite myself. We were both breathing heavily.

"I'm sorry Neela. I didn't mean it. I really... this is what I mean, I'm stupid and I don't deserve you."

"You're not stupid," I said, sniffling. "Well, you can do stupid things, but you're not stupid."

"Well... I don't deserve you. You deserve someone like Kevin, he's rich, successful, smart... everything I'm not."

"And do you know what he doesn't have? Oh yeah, he's smart, rich, funny, good-looking, hell he's practically perfect."

"Yeah. That's what I said."

"You didn't let me finish. He's practically perfect, for anyone else but me. Because all I could think when I was out with him was "wow, he's so nice. But he's not Ray." I don't know what it is, but you've got something that makes me crazy about you. Don't ask me why, but I'd rather love you than some rich, perfect guy any time. What's so great about being perfect anyway? It'd only make me feel bad."

He laughed, and I was glad I'd cheered him up. Yes, it had been me crying but it had been he who had really been upset. Hell, his arms around me made me feel instantly better.

He looked down at me and smiled. "I wish things had gone right for us Neela. I really wish that... but what's the point in wishing things were different?"

"Things could be different."

"No... they couldn't. We can't change the past. We can't change our past..." He kissed my forehead. "I'll always love you, I really will. Sometimes I hate myself for loving you, because if I didn't things would be easier. Maybe it's a test..."

"A test? From who?"

"God? Some higher power?"

"You're not religious."

"No," he said, with a smile. "But maybe I'll start. Look, maybe this is just something we have to overcome, we love each other, but we can't be together."

"We're not Romeo and Juliet. I don't see why we can't be together. Now... all the problems are gone."

"I... Neela... I have to leave, because I have to find myself again. I lost me because I was too caught up loving you. I don't want to just exist to be in love with you. I want to be able to enjoy being in love, but I'm not..."

"That's because we weren't together."

"No... and we're not now. I am leaving tomorrow. I have a job and all my stuffs gone. It's too late, Roomie. You said you wanted one last night, and this is... this is going to be our last night."

He was smiling, but his eyes were the same as they had been that night I'd left. I realised they hadn't really changed, in all these months, his eyes had remained sad. I hated the fact that I was the one to take the shine out of his eyes.

"No, this isn't going to be our last night. You're going to go away, find yourself with some... Zen or something, and then you're going to come back. You're going to come back and I'll be waiting for you."

"I don't want you to wait for me, I don't know if I will come back here... I want you to be happy."

"I'll be happy, and I'll be waiting. You can't stop me from waiting, Ray. It's my life, it's my choice."

"Neela..." he tried to argue, but said nothing, finally just shaking his head. "Come on, I'm tired... wanna share my sheet?"

I laughed and lay down next to him. It was our first night together, and our last night together. I leaned against his chest, calmed by his touch. I could feel his breathing growing steadier as he fell asleep with his arms around me. How I wished we could be like this every night. But if he wanted to leave there was nothing I could do to stop him. It was his life, it was his choice. Just like it was my choice to wait for him to come back.

"I love you," I whispered into the darkness.

"_Those three words_

_I've said to much_

_They're not enough_

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me_

_And just forget the world"_

- "Chasing Cars" Snow Patrol

**A/N Wish me luck for tomorrow! And leave me lovely reviews!**


	9. Chapter 9, Ray

**A/N Thank you to everyone who reviewed this story, and wished me luck -it must have helped, I got really good results! I love you all, and you all rock in your equal ways! THANK YOU!**

**p.s As I always seem to, I feel I should explain the song bit. This song is really good, and I just love this versey bit, it's so lovely in a completely... not fantastic way. I mean, it's not roses and chocolates and "I love you"'s, but it's pure sweetness anyway! I mean "you're the leaky sink of sentiment"? Pure genius! I have just been waiting to put this in a Reela fic, because I think it's pure Ray!**

Chapter Nine -Ray

"_You're the echoes of my everything_

_You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night_

_You're the laziness of afternoons_

_You're the reason why I burst and why I bloomed_

_You're the leaky sink of sentiment_

_You're the failed attempts I never could forget_

_You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love"_

"Hold Me Down" Motion City Soundtrack

I awoke with the light and checked my watch. I was going to be late to meet Brett. Not that it mattered, he was always late. I was glad he was coming with me, to say goodbye. I couldn't have asked anyone else.

I took one last look at her, the woman I loved. It was hard, seeing her sleeping there, to remember why I was leaving.

Maybe she was right, maybe all I needed to do was stay and everything would work out...

No, I had to go. I had made a decision and I had to keep to it, no matter what happened.

I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. One last kiss. Then I picked up my last box and headed out of the door.

Of course, it was raining. It had to be. I got soaked in an instant, because my coat was over my arm and I couldn't put it on because I was carrying a cardboard box which was also getting soaked.

I made it half way along the street before I heard her.

"Ray!" I turned and saw her, rain dripping down her face, her hair drenched. She looked so beautiful. "Weren't you even going to say goodbye?" She said it so calmly, but I knew that wasn't how she was feeling, I could see it in her eyes. I didn't know if she was actually crying, the rain hid that, but I could see that she at least wanted to.

"I... didn't want to wake you."

"How many girls have you left without saying goodbye? Hmm?" she asked with a smile.

"That I didn't want to leave? None, except you."

"Charmer."

"I do try... I'm going to miss you Neela."

"Hopefully we'll see each other soon, if this Zen works."

I laughed, then looked down at her seriously. "It isn't a fairytale, this might not all work itself out. Are you seriously going to wait for me? Some loser who isn't even brave enough to try?"

"You're brave enough to walk away. Staying, even though you know you shouldn't, that would be the easy thing."

"You... understand then?"

She smiled, "Yeah. I hate the look in your eyes, that look of sadness. When you come back I want to see those eyes shining again."

"I might not be back."

She shrugged. "I think you will be."

"What if there is no happy ending with us?"

"You can believe that, if you want, but it'll only get you down."

"I never had you pegged for a romantic," I said with a smile.

"Don't tell anyone," she said, winking. She wiped the rain out of her eyes, or maybe it was tears. "I really will miss you." She went on tip toes and kissed me gently on the lips. The she said with a small smile, "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too... Bye Roomie." I turned and began walking away.

"Hey, Barnett!" I heard from behind me. I turned my head to see her standing in the rain, so small, so perfect. "You'd better hurry back, otherwise I might have to phone that cousin of yours up!"

"Don't you dare! Anyone but him!" I called back, smiling a little.

As I walked away, I hoped the rain would disguise _my_ tears.

"_And the tears come streaming down your face_

_When you lose something you can't replace_

_When you love someone but it goes to waste_

_Could it be worse?"_

-"Fix You" Coldplay

**A/N Ok, before you start hurling the cyber-fruit, let me explain. I couldn't help it! This story was begging for an unhappy ending. And it is Reela-ish... but! (Yes there is a but) I have already in my planning files (ie my brain) plans for a one-shot that is set after this, and also a sequal! I hope you'll all read it! And yes... I'm pretty sure that those will be my um... last ever fanfictions...**

**I hope you enjoyed this story!**


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